Manslations Read online

  Idiot Friends through History

  Look, this has been going on for a long time. For what it's worth, Socrates said his dying words to his pal Plato. His wife was sitting right there, and the last words go to one of his idiot friends? Yeah, I'm pretty sure there were a couple of awkward moments at the funeral when Plato and Socrates's wife were both standing there at the cold-cut plate.

  The Crusades

  During this time, there was a lot of, “Honey, come on. I have to go off and save the holy land, honey. No, no, I am not just looking for an excuse to go off and hang around with the guys. I am not. There are no women going along. Baby, it's a church thing, for Christ's sake. The archbishop is going, okay? I'm not going to mess around on you. Look, all of your friends are still going to be around. Why can't you just have fun with your friends, and I'll have fun with my friends? No, I'm not saying that I am going to have fun with my friends. It's… it's a figure of speech. It… oh man, I can't wait until the Dark Ages, when I can just put you in a dungeon or something. You are a real Ann Boleyn. No, that is not a threat. Look, don't make me choose my words, okay?”

  Sports

  I don't know how it got to be “manly” to watch, for example, a group of giant, muscular dudes in skintight, shiny, matching spandex pants throw each other around. But it happened. Why do men care about sports so much?

  Have you ever seen a couple of mountain goats do that thing where they butt their heads together really hard? Well, this is classic male behavior. Men, like all male animals, like to beat the crap out of each other from time to time. Not necessarily to injure—just to compete. Whether it's with physical strength, money, brains, humor, or whatever is at hand, men seem to like competing for supremacy. And if a couple of guys are huge losers and they know they are huge losers, you guessed it. They'll compete for the honor of which one is the hugest loser.

  Not much of a mystery here. In nature, whoever wins these things gets the best females and first crack at the best food. In human society, the men who win whatever weird competition they are in will often get the women who happen to care about that particular weird competition, plus all the best stuff involved. Could be money, could be cars, could be Star Wars figures.

  So the next time you see two guys competing and you think it's juvenile, rest assured that it's even worse. It's not even human.

  The point is, men love to watch sports because they get to see dudes run around and smash into each other. Just like we would be doing if we weren't so lazy, out of shape, and cowardly. When those guys run in for a touchdown, dunk right over the defender just for spite, smash a guy up against the boards, that's us up there.

  We don't get to do that, because we'll go to jail and stuff. Plus, you know, I'm delicate and don't want to get my purty face mussed up. So I watch a guy who's getting paid to do it. He has fun; I have fun. It's a win-win.

  What if you don't like sports? Hey, that's cool. But would it kill you to fake it? Kidding—we don't really expect or want you to. We just want to watch the game. So please don't do that trick you ladies sometimes do—the one where we have to have an important talk about the relationship during the game. You know, that thing where you want to make sure we love you enough to turn off the game and talk to you right now? Don't do that. We love you, we promise. But it's the eighth inning, okay?

  The most important thing to remember about the badass make-believe stuff is that he does not necessarily expect you to share in his obsessions. Just don't make him feel like a jerk about them. Because, see, either it will work and you'll be in a relationship with a guy who feels like a jerk about stuff he likes, which… is fun, right? Or far more likely (and far worse), you'll be with a guy who learns that he has to hide stuff from you. That leads to all kinds of lousy places, and I assure you that one of them is not, “Say, video games really are something to be ashamed of! I think I'll learn French!”

  SO WHERE DOES ALL THIS INFORMATION

  LEAVE YOU, THE COMMON WOMAN?

  Well, I think we've established that the average man is obsessed with stuff as it relates to his value as a capable, strong, cool guy. If you want to make your man feel good about himself (and about you), you want to allow him to feel like he conquered the elements when he sets up the remote control to the ceiling fan, even if it's just as easy to pull the chain like you always used to. You want to make him feel victorious when he gets the new TV, and holy cow, High Def really does make a difference! When he wants a ratchet set for Christmas, don't get him a scarf, even if it will look really cute on him, unless you give it to him in addition to the ratchet set.

  A little later, we'll talk about how to teach him to understand the kinds of stuff that you like (so you don't end up getting a ratchet set for Christmas, even if you really need one for some reason).

  __________________

  * Don't make a man feel like a jerk for not knowing how to fix a car. We can't know everything. Some of us can't know much of anything. But… we're nice?

  CHAPTER 7

  having “the talk,” or how to

  communicate with a man

  without causing him to exit

  via the fire escape

  Ah, language, words, communication. The one achievement that has separated us from the rest of the animals* and allowed us to create our civilization. Then again, given that I have never seen one manatee say to another one, “So what the hell's that supposed to mean?!” and then storm off crying, maybe it's debatable how much of an “achievement” it really is.

  So why do we need to talk in a relationship? Well, from time to time, something's not how it's supposed to be. Either something's not happening or something else is happening too often. I don't really know—I'm a man. When and why we have The Talk is usually your department, not mine.

  Enter four words guaranteed to strike terror into the heart of the bravest of men: “We need to talk…” And unless you're dating a firefighter or something, you're not with the “bravest of men.” You're just with some guy. So yeah, he's probably pretty nervous. Even just typing those four words, the hairs on the back of my neck are up, and I'm eyeing the exits in case I need to make a run for it.

  For men and women, having The Talk has always been at best stressful and at worst insurmountable. I myself have had one or two of The Talks leveled at me in my time, and even when I've come out the other side thankful that it all happened, it was the same kind of gratitude you have for when your doctor does something incredibly uncomfortable to fix something that might have killed you. You're grateful and all, but… I mean, did you have to stick that thing up my…? Was that really the only way?

  And with that unsavory (yet eerily appropriate) image firmly in your mind, I'd like to explain to you how you can have The Talk with your man with as little nonsense as possible. Some of what you're going to learn here is about him, and some of it's going to be more about what you ladies tend to do in The Talk that virtually guarantees tears, yelling, etc. At the end of this section, I'll get into some of the specific Talks that women seem to want to have, and how best to handle them in ways that won't make your man drop a deuce in his pants.

  But first, let's get some general principles out of the way. There are some things you should know about men before you even start Talking. Let's say… three of 'em.

  THREE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

  MEN AND THE TALK

  You'll be initiating The Talk.

  He does not understand anything about The Talk.

  You'll need to disarm his initial reaction (which will be… wrong).

  I'll go through these three in depth, and hopefully by the end of this chapter, you'll have a much better sense of what you're up against and how to work with it.

  You'll Be Initiating The Talk

  Sorry if I'm blowing anybody's mind right now, but as the woman, you're going to have to get used to the fact that in the vast majority of situations, you're going to be the one who wants to have The Talk. Doesn't matter how badly you both need to be
having this talk, we're just not as likely to start.

  Think about it—having The Talk about the state of your relationship is never, never portrayed as very manly, is it? Okay, maybe on TV doctor shows. Or a movie in which the guy is dying of a rare disease, and he falls in love with his nurse.* But I'm talking about portrayals that your man has, you know, seen.

  Go back to Jack Bauer. Imagine what The Talk would be like if they showed it on 24. Jack would be sitting there with whatever future hostage he happens to be dating. She'd say, “Jack, we need to talk.”

  “What? What is it?” he'd say urgently. (He can't help it. He says everything that way.)

  “I just think we need to clear the air about some things,” she'd say.

  This would be the point where he'd start shifting in his seat.

  “What's wrong?” she'd ask.

  “Nothing, why?” he'd say urgently, as he started drumming on his leg with his fork and knife.

  “You just seem a little nervous is all.”

  “What? Ha ha. Nervous. Ha. No, no, go ahead. Let's… talk.”

  She'd start. “Well, ever since you got back from defusing that nuclear weapon—”

  His phone rings. He practically leaps for joy as he grabs for it: “I'm sorry, honey. I have to take this. Yes, Mr. President. Hostages—how many? When? Suicide mission? No problem, I'm there in ten minutes.” And out the door he runs, calling over his shoulder, “I'm sorry, I have to go. I promise we'll talk about all of this later.”

  In most portrayals of men that are aimed at male audiences, having The Talk is exactly the kind of thing that gets interrupted by something that involves doing something (i.e., stopping terrorists from bringing nukes into the country, zombies attacking—you know, something that he understands and/or is actually good at).

  Now, just because there are no portrayals of a manly relationship-talker, does that mean that your man will never be able to do it? Not at all. I'm just warning you that he hasn't seen the movies you've seen, and so he doesn't have any models to go by.

  And no, I'm not suggesting that you make him watch a whole lot of these movies. (You want him to be awake for this talk, right?) You're just going to have to accept the fact that The Talk is, as far as he is concerned, your domain.

  I've had plenty women write in to me, frustrated by this fact: “Why is it such a big freaking deal for him to just talk to me about this stuff?!” And all I can say is I'm sorry about that. We're not wired like you. We have feelings, and we have words—and frankly, we're just not great at converting them from one to the other. Personally, I have the same problem with the metric system. Luckily, I never dated a woman from Europe. (Just think of all the centiliters of pain I avoided.)

  Language is one of those areas in which men and women simply do not look at things in the same way, and it's not even just the words/feelings exchange rate. It's the reason for talking in the first place. When there are problems (in the relationship or anywhere else), we likely don't go about solving them in the same way.

  Remember, I'm not saying he won't have The Talk, and I'm not saying that The Talk isn't necessary for him sometimes. I'm just letting you know that it's likely on you to get it started. Unfair? Maybe. What can I tell you? Next time there's a spider in the bathroom, you have my permission to make him go deal with it.*

  The next thing you need to do is to understand what he does and doesn't know about having The Talk.

  He Does Not Understand Anything about The Talk.

  Seems pretty clear cut, that heading. And I do mean “anything.” Before you even get to all the things he won't understand about what you're saying, you should know that he's not even going to understand why you want to start.

  Men talk to convey information. Facts. That's the stuff we focus on. Have you ever had a man relay information he heard to you about, say, a friend of his proposing to his girlfriend? It was infuriating for you, right? It probably went like this:

  “Reginald asked Brunhilda* to marry him last week,” he said.

  “Oh, how'd he do it?” you asked.

  “Uh… I'm not sure. I think they were at a restaurant.”

  “Well, did he give her a ring?”

  “Uh… I assume so. I don't know.”

  “Did he get down on one knee, or what did he say?”

  “Er… I don't know.”

  Actually, we can stop there, because that last one is going to be his answer for any further questions you have. You'll walk away thinking, “For the love of all that is holy, didn't you ask anything?” And he'll walk away thinking, “What the hell? I told her what happened! They got engaged!”

  In his mind, he got all the necessary information. They. Got. Engaged. That's the important data, right there. Isn't it?

  What you're going to have to realize is that what's important for you to talk about, he might not even know exists. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist—even stuff in him (i.e., feelings about the relationship, etc.), but it might mean that he's never, never going to just talk about that stuff. Wouldn't occur to him. You're going to have to prompt for that stuff directly.

  Here's an example. If you were to ask a man, “How do you feel like our relationship is going?” I'd bet you a thousand bucks he'd say, “Uh, fine. It's great.”

  Does that mean that he thinks the relationship is going “fine” or “great”? Who knows? He sure doesn't. But what he heard was, “Do you have any major problems to report?” and his answer was, “Nope. No major disturbances, ma'am.”

  Now, if you prompted him with something specific like, “I want to talk about how things have been going since you moved in. Seems like you've been really distant, and I just wanted to see what was going on,” well… okay, he'll still freak a little, of course. But at least he'll know why. Which is nice.

  And if you've ever gone clothes shopping with a man, you know what I'm talking about. Most men don't, say, stroll around a clothing store just to see what's in there. We can't do it. When we need to go to a clothing store (i.e., when all of our clothes look like someone was shipwrecked in them or the Incredible Hulk just transformed back into Bruce Banner or something), we go there with one primary goal—leaving. Quickly. We'd leave the store before we even got there if we could, but we need those spill-proof khakis (or whatever). We go there; we identify what we need; we grab it, pay for it, and get out.

  How does this help you when you want to talk to your man? Well, it will help you to get your point across if you can

  Be Clear: Actually identify what you're talking about. I know some women are allergic to this, but if'n you don't tell him, see, he won't know.

  Be Direct: Get to the issue at hand right away. If you tiptoe around it, not only will he not know what you're talking about, but he'll start dreading how bad it's going to be since you're doing all that tiptoeing. He'll lock down into crisis management mode, also known as “holy crap, what's happening, am I in trouble” mode. Bad mode for talking.

  To illustrate how to do these things, I'll use an example of what not to do. Here's one of the things that women ask their men that they should never, never, never ask him:

  Where do you see this relationship going?

  A woman wrote me, furious that she just asked that one little question—and all of a sudden her man pulled way back, and he couldn't even give her a straight answer. You know, as if he was the one having a hard time being direct.

  Even as I type that question, I have no earthly idea what she's asking him. What are the possible “destinations” for a relationship to be going? As far as I can tell, there's only “getting married” or “one of us dumping the other one.” Those are the two places that a relationship goes. (Or maybe “a loud argument,” if we're talking about the next couple of minutes.)

  So as far as he knows, that's what she asked him: “Are we getting married, or are we breaking up? Now?” And unless he's wildly excited about one of those two options happening in the next couple of minutes, he's pretty sure he's screwed.

 
; This is just a bad question. It has no value in the real world. Why?

  It's completely unclear. He probably knows on some level that you're not asking him, “Are we getting married or breaking up, and right now?!” but he has no idea what you are asking. All this does is send him running for cover as he tries to figure out what he can say to keep you off his back until he knows what's going on.

  It's indirect. Clearly there's something you want to ask him. But you don't want to have to come right out and ask it. So you ask this “pretend” question— as if you're just casually wondering this. This is one of those situations where you would do far better if you came up with an actual question and asked it.