Manslations Read online

  Okay, now read it again. Yes, I do mean “always.” If you can really understand this much about your man, you'll probably know even more about him than he does.

  See, we males don't always know what's going on with us any better than you do. Hell, when we're talking about how we think or feel, we're barely listening ourselves. A decent percentage of what we say in those situations is going to be a load of crap that we're throwing out there in hopes that by saying it, it will be true. But our behavior? That doesn't lie.

  Imagine your dog. Good, now imagine somebody else's dog. Excellent! What a good imagination you have.

  No, but seriously, think of a dog when it's happy. Now, is it hard to “read” what's going on with that dog? Not really. That dog might not even know he's happy, but you sure know it. Same with men, except we can talk. Plus we don't pee on the ground. (Most of the time, anyway. Okay, sometimes in an emergency or as a signature in a snowbank.)

  I've been in plenty of situations where I've said (and believed) that “nothing's wrong” and I “didn't want to break up,” but my legs (who don't take orders from the same guy that controls my mouth) were already walking, telling me, “Sorry, pally. It's time to am-scray, vamoose, twenty-three skiddoo.”*

  If you can remember to pay attention to what a man is doing, you will never again need to be confused by what he's saying. Behavior tells the truth. There is zero point in using a man's words to figure out where he's at. You might as well ask your dog those questions they have at the end of Inside the Actors Studio. **

  THE TWO BIG QUESTIONS

  So now that we've established that a man's behavior tells the truth, let's talk a little bit about how to interpret that behavior.

  If you find yourself wondering how a man feels about you… stop wondering. Just leave your wonderer on pause, because it's obvious how he feels about you. Look at his behavior (and, as we said, not his words) and ask yourself two questions:

  Might he think*** that this behavior will get him laid?

  Might he think that this behavior will maximize his time with you?

  That's it. These are the two keys to interpreting all male behavior. And yes, you need both, or it's no good. If you've seen as many movies that involve the firing of nuclear missiles as I have (i.e., “all of them”), then you know that they require two keys to launch. If only one of the guys uses his key, you can't launch anything. At that point, all you can do is yell at the other guy to put in that second key (which, if he does, will then require Jack Bauer to get there quickly and start punching).*

  Let's break it down.

  If the answer to the Two Big Questions is “no,” then he doesn't like you.

  If the answer to number one is yes and number two is no, he wants to have sex with you but doesn't like you that much.

  If the answer to number two is yes and number one is no, he's a close relative. Or a woman. Or an itinerant eunuch. Whatever he is, he's probably not your man.

  Why these two questions? On its own, the first question is not an indicator of anything other than exactly what it says. Knowing that a man wants to have sex with you doesn't tell you much. It tells you that he thinks that having sex with you might be fun (and who am I to argue with him?).

  A lot of women stop here. “He wants me like crazy. He must really like me.” This is a huge misconception, and we'll get deeper into it in the next chapter. But for now, just know that sexual attraction for a man has zero to do with liking you. Any man is perfectly capable of desiring a sexual encounter with a woman whom he actively dislikes. Yes. Any man. That doesn't mean that all men pursue sex with women they don't like. All I'm saying is there's no link between wanting to have sex with a woman and liking anything else about her.

  Now, from my experience with telling women about this, I can hear some of you out there right now:

  He's generalizing. I don't believe that all men are really like that.

  I know you don't believe it. That's how men get you into bed, even when you're way out of their league. That's why you need this book—to keep your bed (and your life) stocked with only the finest, most worthy men.

  So if his sexual desire for you doesn't tell you anything, how do we know if he likes you? That's where the second question comes in.

  What does maximizing his time spent with you have to do with anything? Answer: A “player” wants to do the opposite. A guy who only wants to have sex with you will spend as little non-sex time with you as he can get away with. He'll put in exactly what he believes is the bare minimum of effort required to remove any and all obstacles to humping (i.e., suspicion, sobriety, good judgment, morals, standards, underwear, what have you).

  On the other hand, if a guy likes you, if he wants to date you or wants to have a relationship, you'll see him wanting to spend more time with you, not less. This (and not just his sexual interest) is how you tell how much a man likes you (the answers vary from “not at all” to “restraining order”).

  Anyway, that's it. That's truly, seriously, honestly all you need to know to figure out whether or not he likes you.

  REAL MANSLATIONS EXAMPLES FROM THE

  DATING TRENCHES*

  Now, once again, I can hear you out there:

  No, you don't understand. My situation is more complex.

  No. If you are wracking your brains about why a man is behaving as he is, trust me, you are almost certainly wracking the wrong thing.

  Let's take a look at one of the most obvious examples from real life where we can apply what we're talking about—the “booty call.”

  So let's say that you met a guy at a bar. You flirt, you talk, you laugh. He asks for your number. He tells you that he's going to call you. You go home thinking that you're going to hear from him. But you do not. Not the next day and not the day after that. But then, three weeks later, he calls you at eleven thirty at night and says that he has been thinking of you since the two of you met. He said he had wanted to call you, but he couldn't get up the nerve. But he really liked you, he just hasn't been able to get you off his mind, he wants to see you—and what are you doing right now?

  Now, this conversation is never not a booty call. Why?

  First, the Golden Rule

  Is there a conflict between what he said and what he did? Yes, there sure is. He said he would call you but did, you know, other things that were not calling. He then said he couldn't stop thinking about you, blah blah blah. But that still doesn't change the fact that what he did was not call you. For three weeks. Until eleven thirty at night.

  So given that a discrepancy exists between what he said and what he did, we can follow the golden rule and focus solely on his behavior—the DID part. Here's what he did:

  Got your number

  Did not call for three weeks (even though he could have at any moment)

  Finally called you at 11:30 p.m.

  Attempted to get together with you right then

  The Two Big Questions

  Let's analyze that stuff using our two questions.

  Might he think that this behavior will get him laid? Yep. That's certainly the most desirable ending to the evening from his perspective.

  Might he think that this behavior will maximize his time with you? Nope. He had your number. If spending a lot of time with you was a priority, why did he deprive himself of you for three weeks? And why did he wait until the middle of the night? The answer is that he wants to spend as little non-sex time with you as humanly possible.

  This guy wanted to do you, and if you did it, you likely won't hear from him again. Well, maybe in another few weeks if he thought he could get away with it again.

  I'm not trying to depress you. I just want you to be able to spot a douche when you see one. And that's how you do it.

  But what if the guy isn't a douche? (Hey, it happens.) Same rules apply. Let's look at another example—this time, one based on a question I got at manslations.com.

  A woman wrote to me concerned that her man wouldn't tell her how he felt ab
out her. When they met, they lived in separate countries, but soon they were calling, emailing, and even making regular international visits. He asked her to be his girlfriend, and they became exclusive. He asked her to move to his country when she finished grad school.

  All this, but he would not talk about his feelings for her, even when she asked. He said that he was a “very private person” and didn't like “being probed for information.”*

  She didn't want to consider moving to be closer to him unless he was in love with her, so she wrote to me for help.

  How do we manslate this situation? First, the Golden Rule. Are his words and actions contradictory? Yes, they sure seem to be. So let's forget all about what he does or doesn't say for a moment and focus on what he's doing:

  Contacting her all the time (calling, emailing, etc.)

  Visiting her from another country

  Asking her to date exclusively and not pursuing any other women

  Trying to get her to move in with him when she graduates

  Now, the Two Big Questions:

  Might he think this is going to get him laid? Yep. (And as a side note, I bet he's absolutely correct.)

  Might he think this is going to get him some more time with her? Yes, it is. He's doing everything he can to spend as much time with her (and only her) as humanly possible and to make sure that she's not seeing other men.

  Verdict: Even though this guy doesn't like to talk about his feelings, we all know exactly what they are. He's with her for real. There's no other great explanation for all the behavior.

  I understand that she might really want or need him to talk about his feelings for her at some point. And of course there's nothing wrong with that. Totally reasonable desire. She's just going to have to teach him why that's important. (See Chapter 7, “Having ‘The Talk.’”)

  REALLY. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

  I know that you don't believe it's this simple, but I promise that's all you need to know. If you can really grasp the Five Supreme Laws of Manslation, you'll go a long way toward understanding all the men in your life. And if you choose to ignore those things, hey, no skin off my nose, you know? It works with global warming, right? Oh… wait…

  __________________

  * Technically, it's Three Principles, a Golden Rule, and Two Big Questions. But you can't introduce that with “Behold.”

  * Not literally, you understand. I'm just saying that we're going to talk about it. Believe me, if I could actually transport us back through time, I'd be so rich I wouldn't even have to be an author. Plus I'd be too busy running around, stopping Hitler, righting wrongs, betting on sporting events of which I already knew the winners, and making sure my parents met at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance in time to get the DeLorean to the old clock tower.

  * Regarding the “brilliant minds in this field” of manslations theory, I can say two things definitively. One, I am the only mind in the field, and so I can claim to be the most brilliant one. And two, for any kids who want to grow up and work in the manslations field, I'd say you're better off renting office space. It gets cold, manslating in a field.

  ** The Jack Bauer Principle is why men are so jealous of firemen. First of all, they're actually doing all the stuff that we wish we were doing. And second, we know that women look at firemen in the same way that men look at…well…all women.

  * It was on these occasions that I realized my legs are mobsters from 1928. That's a tough day in any man's life. But I handled it with aplomb, people.

  ** I wouldn't recommend asking your dog those questions. I'm not an expert on dogs, but I'm pretty sure that your dog's not famous, so who cares what his favorite curse word is?

  *** Please remember that I've added in the concept of what he “might think” in both of the Two Big Questions. We're looking for his motivation here, but we are not necessarily saying that he knows what the hell he's talking about. It's entirely possible that there is some man somewhere who thinks that by pouring motor oil in your hair, he's going to convince you to sleep with him. (And if that's your boyfriend, congratulations!)

  * I realize that the metaphor at this point involves the launch of nuclear weapons. I'm sure most relationship situations aren't quite to that level. Most.

  * Totally metaphorical trenches here. I don't recommend dating in actual trenches. Then again, if you've got a World War I fetish or something, hey, who am I to stop you?

  * Most men don't like to be probed at all. Just ask any alien abductees you know.

  CHAPTER 2

  of myths and men, or stuff

  you don't even know

  you don't know

  Let's look at some of the main myths that women believe about men, shall we? I really think we should, or else the chapter title won't make any sense at all.*

  Ready? Let's go!

  THERE MUST BE SOME MYTHUNDERSTANDING

  MYTH: Men Are Afraid of Commitment.

  FACT: I have no idea what this one even means. It's nonsense. Total nonsense. I'll admit that men are afraid of committing to someone they don't want to be with. But, um, isn't everyone? Seems like sort of a healthy fear, like the ones we have of “fire” or of “getting stuck in a conversation with your friend's boring grandfather.”

  Men want to be with someone they want to be with. And if we are with the right person, well, of course we're going to want to stay with her. But if we aren't sure we want to be there (which usually ends up meaning that we don't), yeah, that's when you'll get some “fear of commitment.” This is sometimes also known as “not liking you.”

  I can remember a relationship I was in many, many years ago. I could feel the “commitment heat” coming off of her. She wanted to talk about moving in together. I was a little panicky about the whole thing. And for a minute there, I thought that there was something wrong with me because I was afraid to commit to her. I actually had the following thought:

  “Oh, man. I guess I'm with the woman I'm going to be with forever, and I don't really like her. This blows.”

  And so it did.

  It was only later when I was in a good relationship that I realized, “Hmm. Weird. I have no problem committing in this situation—one that I want to be in. Odd, huh? Probably just a coincidence.”

  I promise there are no men who think, “This situation is perfect. I'm with the perfect woman for me. I love spending time with her. But I am afraid of commitment, and so I will leave her.” Honestly, that doesn't happen in the real world, where we live and work and pay bills. If a man wants out, it's because he wants out. It's not because you're too perfect for him.

  Remember the Manslator's Golden Rule: if he's backing out the door but saying how perfect you are… er… which one of those things do you think you should believe?

  MYTH: If a Man Isn't Psyched about Planning

  Our Wedding, He Isn't Truly Committed.

  FACT: If a man isn't psyched about being married, he isn't truly committed. But planning the wedding ceremony itself? Most men aren't going to be all that psyched about that whole day. Why not? Well, weddings aren't very manly, are they? No. Can you picture Jack Bauer at his wedding? Come on, he'd look like an idiot. So even if a guy wants to be married to you, the ceremony is still going to feel a lot like spending a day looking like a dork.

  Face it, ladies—at your wedding, you are the badass. He looks and feels like the accessory. That's how the guy has appeared at every wedding I've ever been at. (That guy up there doesn't look like he feels like a ninja or a Jedi or anything of the kind. He looks like he's at his First Communion in his big-boy clothes.)

  Also, remember that men see things for what they do. A wedding is all about what it means. So that ceremony is always going to make more sense to you than it is to him. What does a wedding ceremony do? For the guy, it forces him to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and parades him around in front of people.

  Does this mean that he doesn't want to be with you? Nope. Does it mean he doesn't want to marry you? Not that either. A
ll it means is that you'll both be much happier if you acknowledge (if you don't know it already) that your wedding day is about you getting what you, as the woman, want. Well, you and any maiden aunts you have who love to go to weddings. (We'll talk about how to get your man psyched about the wedding a little later.)

  MYTH: If I Contact Him after a Date, I Might

  Scare Him Off.

  FACT: Unless you are dating a small woodland creature or someone with a serious anxiety disorder that makes him poop himself every time his phone rings, this is just flat-out not true, and it never, never happens. Ever. If he doesn't like you after you contact him, he didn't like you before, either.