Manslations Read online

  CHAPTER 4

  first date dos and don'ts, or

  you're not wearing that,

  are you?

  Everybody knows what a first date is. We've all seen Happy Days. A boy and a girl meet; they grow nauseous with desire and worry; one of them asks the other one if they'd like to go out on a date. And despite the fact that 99 percent of the time this ends in total disaster, we just keep right on doing it. Why? Well, this actually needs a little manslating.

  Men and women have different fantasies about a first date.

  Now, as we've already discussed, men and women have different fantasies about everything. So the first date is no exception. Here's the thing. I think you need to know what a man does not fantasize about so you can set your expectations.

  “ROMANCE” EXPLAINED

  For the male mind, “romance” is often a total mystery. We don't really get it. At all. We don't know what it's for (what it does—remember that part?)

  For a woman, romance is often an essential part of the fantasy. A man comes through the door and sweeps her up into a whirlwind adventure, where he treats her like a princess and confesses things to her that no man has ever said— things that he has never revealed to any woman before. I'm not suggesting that every woman thinks this way or that they believe consciously that it's going to be like this. I'm just saying it's a template for the kind of thing that one's mind might flash on.

  The main theme of this fantasy seems to be magic. As in, Cinderella-style magic: my life was normal… until he came through my door. It's what you dream about when you don't know someone very well.

  I bring this up only to say that men don't fantasize about that. Ever. It's just not that fun or interesting for us. Men don't fantasize that our life becomes magical. We fantasize that we are Han Solo, or some version of a “cool guy.” Our big fantasy is that you think we are the coolest guy in the world.

  Now, of course, I'm just talking about what most people think before they know the person they're going out with. What most people ultimately want is to be in a real relationship in which they are both crazy about each other and love each other for exactly who they are.

  But… we're talking about dating. Totally different thing. I'll break it down into sections and give you some dos and don'ts based on some manslations of what you may not know about male dating habits.

  The sections are:

  I. Getting the Date

  II. Pre-Date

  III. On the Date

  IV. At the End of the Date

  Before we get into these four sections (which, be honest, are pretty brilliant, aren't they?), we have to cover one of the big problems of modern dating: Where does one meet someone he/she might want to, you know, go on a date with?

  Actually, this is easier now than ever before. Imagine you're a cavewoman. Where are you going to meet boys? Pretty much in your cave or no damn place at all. But now we've got all kinds of ways. Trouble is, most of them are terrible.

  Bars

  I know plenty of people who have met their person in a bar. Nothing wrong with that. It's nighttime; there's music; there's mood lighting; there's alcohol—what a great place to meet someone, right? Or at least a great place to meet someone who might be drinking.

  Here's something important to realize, though. If you see a man hanging around in a bar (especially a dance club), there is only one manslation, and it is not “to dance.” And it's probably not “to have a meaningful conversation,” either. The manslation for a man at a dance club is that's where he heard they were keeping all the vaginas. (In fact, now that I say it, that's almost the only reason we leave the house at all.)

  The Internet

  Perhaps you've heard of it. It's that thing that lives inside your computer, where they put all the porn, cheap pharmaceuticals from across some border, and Nigerian banking schemes. And it's a hugely popular way to meet people with whom you might want to do the sex. The positives are that it's always available; you don't even have to leave your house to use it; and nobody knows who you are.

  The negatives are… well… picture the majority of people for whom those “positives” are the big selling point? Right, exactly. I'm not discouraging you. I'm just letting you know that regardless of how rosy a picture some of these guys paint of themselves, the prince-to-frog ratio is pretty brutal. About the same as in, you know, the real world.

  “Outside the Box” Ideas

  Every once in a while, you read an article that tells you where you might want to meet up with dudes. The laundromat was a big one for a time (He does his laundry! Keeper!); so were bookstores, of course (Hey, at least he can read!), and hardware stores (He's so handy! What if your toilet breaks? He'll take care of it!).

  Nothing wrong with any of these, but I have to tell you that the second there's an article saying that this or that place is an excellent place to meet men? Yep, you guessed it—all the players will swarm there, looking to cash in on all the newly hopeful women who read the article.

  On my website, a woman once mused that there must be a bar somewhere that only nice guys went to. But I promise you, if there was a nice, clean bar called T.G.I. Considerates, by 9:00 p.m. it would be crowded to capacity with jerkoffs, and the nice guys wouldn't even be allowed in.

  Meeting through Friends

  This is widely considered the best method to meet someone. And it's hard to disagree—what are you going to do, meet someone through your enemies? Do you actually have enemies? Or perhaps an arch nemesis?

  If I did have enemies, I surely wouldn't date based on their recommendations. That would probably be exactly what they'd want me to do. And they'd set me up with some psycho who… ah… now some of my old relationships make so much more sense…

  Bottom line: It's always good to get a recommendation from a friend if you can manage it, along the lines of, “Hey, this guy is actually not insane.” Great. Just make sure that your friend isn't insane. Kind of defeats the purpose of the recommendation.

  So let's move ahead into the world of the First Date.

  I. GETTING THE DATE

  It seems to me that there are only two major ways to get a date: either he asks you out, or you ask him. I mean, I suppose that there must be other ways. Maybe he kidnaps you at gunpoint and decides he wants to take you out to the Olive Garden; maybe the two of you fall out of separate airplanes and land in the same movie theater. But these aren't situations that you really need to plan for.

  For the most part, one of you has the idea that you want to go out on a date and asks the other one if they like that idea and want to do that. Simple, right? Everybody with me? Hello?

  So with that said, let's focus on the two most likely possibilities:

  Him Asking You Out—Old Faithful

  If you want him to ask you out, here are some dos and don'ts.

  Do

  Meet Him: Failure to do this will almost certainly result in not going out on a date with him. He can't come to your house and find you. And if he can, he probably works for the NSA or the CIA, and he's been tapping your phone or something. Which, hey, whatever turns you on.

  Talk to Him: Again, you're likely going to have to do this at some point. I realize how terrifying this can be when you don't know somebody very well. But there's not too much to be done about it. I'm sorry.

  Be Fun: I know, now I'm just being prejudiced against the boring and intolerable. I get that. But nonetheless, you're far more likely to get him to ask you out if he is of the opinion that talking to you is enjoyable and being on a date with you will be even more enjoyable. It's just the way it goes.

  Make Him Feel Welcome: You'd be surprised how many times a woman will not behave as if she even wants him around. He may like to think of himself as a bad-assed ninja or Jedi who would never, never be too intimidated to ask a woman out and all, but if he feels like you're happy he's there, it might ease his mind about asking you out. You know, a little.

  Don't

  Play Hard to Get: I'm not say
ing that you have to flop over backward for every guy. But there's been a lot of misinformation out there about how men love to chase women (which is true), and so women should become more “challenging” (which is… probably not true). The only problem with this is that there's a fine line between “playing hard to get” and “making him feel like a jerk for trying.” Again, be nice, be fun, and make him feel like you're happy he's there.

  Drop “Hints”: By this, all I mean is that you shouldn't assume that men have the slightest idea how to read your secret code. A woman wrote to me once complaining that her intended beau wasn't picking up on her hints. Know what the “hints” were? She mentioned one time that she wanted to see a certain movie, and then she pretty much ignored him. For six months. I'm not kidding. I defy Sherlock Holmes to find that clue.*

  As frustrating as it may be, you should never underestimate a man's total ineptitude at picking up on hints.

  Try to Be Somebody Else: See, here's the downside of putting on an act to get someone to ask you out.

  Firstly, you're not Meryl Streep. He's not fooled. So all he gets from this is that you're behaving strangely. Secondly, if you somehow DO manage to fool him, uh, what's going to happen later when you're not BS-ing him anymore?

  You Asking Him Out—A Brave, New-ish World

  Let's say that you like a guy and you want to ask him out. Pretty crazy, huh? Huh? Next thing, you're going to be picketing in Washington and signing petitions for the right to smoke on the Sabbath.

  I'll put it another way. You're fine asking him out. You're well within your rights as a human and an American. Or as a Canadian. In Europe you need a writ. And in all other lands, please check your local ordinances.

  Do (There's only one “do.” It's a pretty simple operation.)

  Actually Ask Him Out: And by that I mean that you should ask him to go somewhere—and not as a pal or a coworker or a fellow marmot enthusiast or whatever. Ask him out on a date. Scary? Yes. But the alternative is far scarier: you'll actually be out on the date, and you'll have no idea if he knows that it's a date. I just peed a little at the thought. Please be clear, as if you're speaking to a small child who needs everything laid out very clearly.

  Don't

  Worry That This Makes You Look Desperate: It does not. This is the number one fear that women have about asking a man out. How do I know that? I hear this one all the time: “I don't want to look desperate.” You know what makes you look desperate? When you want to ask a man out, but instead you spend all your time trying to drop wilder and wilder hints that he should ask you out. Relax.

  Pretend You're Not Nervous: Why do that? So he thinks that he's in no way special and that you ask guys out every ten minutes? It's good to be nervous. It makes him feel good knowing that you like him enough to get a little freaked. It helps him feel like a badass. Which is nice because he might be exactly as nervous as you are.

  Chicken Out: Guys ask women out all the time. Yes, it's terrifying. That awful barfy sensation in your gut? Yeah, that's 100 percent normal. Don't let that deter you.

  II. PRE-DATE

  So you've got a date. Your mission? Before the date, figure out what you're going to do together. (I know it would be so much easier to figure it out afterward, since by then you'd already know what you did, but unfortunately there's that whole space–time continuum thing to contend with.)

  When a man has to plan a date, he spends some time sweating this very thing just like you do. Where, when, what time? Here's how to get this thing moving in the right direction.

  Do

  Google Him: Why not? Hey, the information is out there. Nothing wrong with doing a little recon. I'd stop short of hacking into his FBI file, but then again, what am I saying? If I had that kind of access or skill, I'd be all over it.

  Plan to Go Wherever/Whenever You're Comfortable: Some people go nuts about the place/time of the date. Should we do a coffee date? A movie? Dinner? Is that too weird? Should we go out at dusk? Do people even say dusk anymore? What about the location—is a tractor pull too butch? Relax. Breathe. All that stuff that you're worrying about? It's all about the “meaning” of it, which, as you now know, will likely slip his attention entirely. Just pick something that you like where you can both determine whether or not you're having fun.

  Have Some Ideas: Ideally, your pre-date conversation won't be too much “I don't know. What do you want to do? I don't know. What do you want to do?” Doesn't matter which one of you did the asking; it's everybody's job to figure this out. Be nice. If all you do is go along with whatever he wants you to do, either he'll get annoyed that he always has to think of everything, or he'll, like, love it. And you'll be with that guy.

  Don't

  Worry about Your Shoes: Sadly, he will never notice that you are even wearing them. Unless you've just wrapped your feet in duct tape or raw cod or something, in which case, not great. In fact, an excellent indicator that you wore the right shoes is that he didn't notice them. Unless you're out with a foot fetishist. Or a gay man. Otherwise, yeah, your shoe choice might not matter to him.

  Plan a Hell Date to “Test” Him: Don't plan to take him into some weird situation where you'll be comfortable and he will not, just to see if he can “handle it.” That's called “being a jerk.” Be nice.

  III. ON THE DATE

  Look at you! You're here! You're out! You're on a date! Now, let's give you some pointers on how to not screw it all up and force everyone to go home wearing a mask and cape to hide their shame. (On the other hand, if you both want to go home wearing a mask and cape to… I don't know, play Phantom of the Opera? Hey, your business, not mine.)

  Do

  Eat Whatever You Feel Like: There was an article in the New York Times that revealed that women got more responses if they wrote that they liked steak in their online dating profile. The wrong conclusion? Steak makes men want to date you. No. Men don't give a crap what you order or eat on a date. Again, that's more “meaning” stuff. He's just not looking for it. Unless you're ordering the All-You-Can-Gorge, Conan-the-Barbarian plate of wings that comes with a bib and no silverware, you'll be fine. You know what doesn't look good? If you order a salad because some magazine told you to. That's just sad. Plus you'll be so hungry that you might not be able to…

  Have a Good Time: Seems like an obvious one, but remember that you're trying to determine whether the two of you had fun together. (I mean… that is what you're doing, right? You're not dating him so that you can have a bad time, are you?)

  Remember That He's Nervous, Too: Throw him a bone, okay? Listen, talk. You know how to do this.

  Don't

  Put Too Much Pressure on the Situation: Ninety-nine percent of dates do not result in a lifelong commitment, okay? And that's exactly as it should be. Think of how few people you meet on a day-to-day basis with whom you'd gladly share a six-month road trip. Not too many, right? There is no shame if this date is not working out. And there's no upside in trying to force it to. You're just there to see what's what. And if you two don't have fun together, well, isn't that the kind of thing you want to know as early as possible?

  Discuss How Many Children You Want to Have by Next Week: Let him believe that you are there to meet someone and have fun (and are not just looking for a sperm donor). I know I said that men weren't afraid of commitment, but some of them might be afraid of being captured and used for their fluids alone. (It's not very badass if a woman wanted to date you because her clock was ticking and hey, you were nearby.)

  Clam Up: The first date is all about learning. Let him learn. You want him to know who you are so that if he happens to be the guy who loves that, he can find out about it.

  IV. AT THE END OF THE DATE

  Wow. Now I'm impressed. You've run the table. You've survived the entire experience. And now it's time to end the evening. How to do that is up to you. And when I say that, I mean that literally it is up to you. As in, it isn't up to him. Choose wisely.

  First, a note on when it's okay to hav
e sex.

  I've gotten this question quite a bit on the website. How long must a woman wait to have sex with a man so that he doesn't think that she's a bad person?

  The answer? Whenever you want. Seriously.

  I'm sure that there was a time when a woman who put out was considered just this side of a hooker, and gentlemen wore hats, etc. But at this point, tell me if you can imagine this ever happening:

  “Well, I wanted to sleep with her. But then she let me! Ugh!”

  Lacks the ring of truth, doesn't it?

  Not unlike the situation in which women worry about what to eat in front of a man, we're not going to be turned off if you do what you want to do. And if he is turned off by the fact that you had sex when you wanted to, uh, how is that a good guy to be with? (You can take this too far. For example, I'd have to recommend waiting to have sex at least until sometime after you've said hello. After that, though, it's all up to you.)