Manslations Read online

  The most common mistake seems to be that a woman shouldn't have sex too soon or it will destroy the “chase” that men supposedly need. So you hold off and let him “chase” you, for fear of losing his interest. Please don't bother with this.

  Here's the thing about “the chase.” The guy who sticks around only because there's a chase involved is one who thinks of you as “prey”—yep, a player. Any of those times a guy bailed on you because the “chase” was over, that's because he was only ever in it for the chase to begin with.

  So, some end-of-the-date dos and don'ts:

  Do

  Whatever You Want: Again, if you want to kiss him, great. If you want to sleep with him, don't worry about it. If you want to do nothing, don't worry about it. Once again, men are not going to be delving too far into what the timing of the sex means. Not our bag. We're focusing on what sex does (i.e., “make our day”).

  Say You Had Fun If You Did: If he had a good time, he's going to be trying to figure out if you did. Let him in on the secret, ladies. I know the temptation is to withhold that kind of information until you know if he had a good time. But this thing's got to start somewhere.

  Don't

  Assume He Knows: The things that women have told me were “hints” (i.e., “leaning slightly toward him, hoping he'd kiss me” or, swear to God, “wearing tactile fabrics,” which, since I'm not even sure what that is, I think we can rule it out as a “hint”)… sigh. Look, if you want him to kiss you good night, don't send him that message by refusing to make eye contact, clamming up, and talking about insurance. No, I don't care if, in your little heart, you were thinking with all your might, “Kiss me, you fool.”

  Bank on Anything He Says About Calling: We'll get into this in the next chapter.

  Push to Make Plans for the Next Date: Hey, maybe he didn't have as good a time as you did. Relax. All will be revealed. (Next chapter, next chapter.)

  What if all I wanted from the date was sex?

  If all you are looking for is to throw a guy down and do him, boy, have I got some good news for you. In fact, you likely didn't need to bother with the “date” at all. There's probably a line forming outside your door right now.

  Don't believe me? Read on for a cautionary tale…

  The “Trick”

  I knew a woman who once confessed that she had come up with a “trick” to get men to go to bed with her.

  Okay. Let's say that again. A woman, okay? Spent time—time that she will never get back—devising a trick to bamboozle all the unsuspecting and uncooperative men out there into surrendering their delicate flower unto her.

  Look, there are a lot of things that I don't know anything about. I admit that freely. But how can someone capable of a thought like this have a normally functioning brain?

  My first guess was that her trick was to “be alive.” And that one does work. It's a great trick. Men have not yet developed any counter to that one. In fact, that one works so well, it's almost not even fair that you ladies have it in your arsenal.

  Oh, and for those of you out there who may be wondering what her “trick” is and how you might use it for your own benefit—please, you've got to stop. And you should probably not be operating heavy machinery either. Seriously, you need to put on a helmet and sit down in a pillow-filled room, or you are going to get someone killed.

  And I hear you out there:

  But Jeff, we want men to go to bed with us!

  I know. I know that you do. And so let me clear up any misconceptions you might have about that. I don't know exactly what kind of resistance this woman imagined that she might be smashing up against, but—just in case she doesn't (or, God save us all, you don't) understand this—the male defense system against getting laid? Very flimsy. It really is. And it only fully comes into its own in jail, at which point it can become very strong.

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was her trick?

  Look, do you want a trick to get a man into your bed? How about this?

  Do…anything.

  There's your trick. And if, for some reason, that doesn't work, do anything else. (You must have accidentally picked the one thing that wouldn't work.)

  You want a situation where you need a trick? Try to get a man to get out of your bed when he isn't ready to leave. For that, sure, you might want to have a couple of tricks. (Personally, I think that most men will respond very quickly to talking of marriage and children, or ripping a giant fart upon his leg. Your mileage may vary.)

  Okay, all right. If you really must know, here is what this woman used to do to trick the men into bed. If she was out at a club, she would go out onto the dance floor and dance really sexy… (gasp!)… with a girlfriend of hers (double gasp!!!)! Girl-on-girl action! And the men came running.

  Yes, yes, fine. Look, I am not trying to tell you that this wouldn't work. Works fine. It is working on me right now. So why am I saying that this is a bad thing?

  Well, mostly because it betrays such a drastic misunderstanding of the “male mind regarding sex” that it needs to be addressed.

  Misconception #1: There is a male mind regarding sex.

  You are attempting to weave a magic spell in order to control something that does not exist. You are attempting to hypnotize and bewilder your target man's mind in order to confuse it, so you can sneak in under his radar and get to the sexy parts. There is no mind; there is no radar.

  This is not like one of those movies where the good guys walk into an enemy base that appears to be unguarded, and the hero looks around and says, “I don't like it. This is too easy. It's too quiet around here. It's a trap.”

  This is more like if a thief walked into some moron's unlocked apartment. With no front door. And a big sign that says, “My home will be left unattended for the next twelve hours. Please don't take anything.”

  The ease with which you will bed men is not a trap, ladies. Men don't appear easy. We are easy. If all you want is to have sex with a man, the only danger will be that he won't believe you are that easy, and he'll think, “No, no, it's no good. It's… too easy. Must be something wrong. It's a trap. Talk to me, Goose.”

  Misconception #2: This “trick” works, so it's a reasonable course of action.

  Sure, it works, but how could she think that you have to go that far just to get a man in bed? Such a waste of time and effort. It would be as if you had something in your eye, and your “trick” for getting it out was to put a grenade in your eye. I'm sure that would work like a charm and get everything out of the eye. But maybe you can take a more subtle approach.

  Then again, if you want to go through all of that, knock yourself out. We're happy to watch you skank it up with your girlfriends on the dance floor. I won't discourage you. Plus it will give all the guys who you do not go home with something to work with later on that night. (Remember how every man thinks about having sex with you? Yeah, this is where they get the ideas. And it probably will not be in ways that you would ever have authorized in real life.)

  So since I am giving away the store here, let's talk about some actual “tricks” you can use to get a man to go to bed with you, shall we? I mean, let's say you are out at a club, and you want a guy to go home with you. What can you do?

  Trick #1: Tell him that you want to have sex with him.

  Works great. And you would be so surprised how grateful a man is when this happens. (Which is right on the verge of never, you know.) When a woman shows the courtesy to actually say to a man, “Hey, uh, I really want to have sex with you. Can we go do that?”—well, that's like Christmas morning.

  Trick #2: Go back and read trick number one.

  No, no, don't skip it. And when I say “tell him,” I really do mean tell. Don't make it “clear” by your “behavior.” You have no idea what you're talking about there. Not at all. You have no idea what is clear to us. Neither do we. But you know what is clear? Saying in words (or just going ahead and doing) what you want.

  If you want to get a man into bed and are not sure how
, you are going to have to understand this. Either he wants to be with you or he does not. If he does, no tricking is necessary. And if he does not… well, actually no, he probably does.

  However, never assume we know what you are thinking. As we have repeatedly mentioned, we barely even know what we are thinking.

  AAAAND… THAT'S ALL, FOLKS

  That's it. That's a first date. Now you know what men are thinking during this whole insane process, and more importantly, you know how little we know of what you're thinking. Will this help you make getting, planning, having, and ending a first date any less stressful? Mmm… probably not. But then again, that's one of the reasons we like going on first dates in the first place. They're nerve-wracking; nobody knows what anybody is thinking; and who knows if anybody is going to get naked? Fun!

  Next, we'll take a look at what to do now—after that first date is over and you're back at your house flipping out.

  __________________

  * You probably don't want to date Sherlock Holmes anyway. He was hooked on cocaine. Plus check out the hat. Your friends would never let you hear the end of it.

  CHAPTER 5

  post-date debriefing and

  aftermath, or sitting at home

  freaking out

  So you've had your first date with him and now you're home. Waiting. Wondering. Thinking. What's going to happen? Did he like me? Did I like him? Is he going to call? Do I want him to call? What's on TV right now? Oh cool, there's a special on the Illuminati and the Freemasons and conspiracy theories about…Okay, maybe that's just what I'm thinking.

  What happens between the first date and whatever happens (or doesn't) next is one of the most confusing times for a woman. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that, since ancient times, the next step has always been the man's business. The woman's job has been to sit around and try not to chew her own arm off as she runs through a zillion possibilities of what the guy might be thinking.

  Now, a lot of this has changed and continues to change. Women are more and more taking charge of the situation. But a lot of you out there still wait around and wonder what the hell is going on.

  Okay, first step, take a deep breath and just relax. He will tell you EXACTLY how the date went for him very, very soon. Maybe not in so many words, but it's easy enough to read if you know what you're looking for.

  Well, I come bearing good news. By the end of this chapter, you'll be armed with enough information to figure out exactly where he's at. And it's not nearly as complex as you think it is.

  WILL HE CALL? OR HOW TO AVOID A TOTAL

  FREAKING MELTDOWN

  Let's look at the possibilities.

  At the end of the date, he says, “I'll give you a call.”

  Manslation: This does not mean anything.

  When a man says, “Okay, that was fun—I'll give you a call sometime,” what he's saying is that the date is over. That's all. It doesn't mean that he's not going to call you any more than it means that he will. It means nothing at all. He's just making noises at this point.

  I know, I know. I realize this is frustrating for you. Fear not. This phrase doesn't tell you squat, but something else will.

  But for how long, damn you?! How long?!

  One of the things I hear from women when he tells her he'll call is, “Well, how long am I supposed to sit around waiting for him to call? If he would just tell me that he's not going to call, then I wouldn't have to sit around for two weeks waiting!”

  Well, lucky you—you never have to sit around for two weeks waiting. Ever. You don't even have to wait one week. You have to wait a couple of days. That's it. If you went out on Saturday and the guy doesn't call/email/text by Monday or at the very latest Tuesday, that means he didn't have that great of a time with you. There are remarkably few exceptions to this time frame, such as that he was:

  Kidnapped by pirates and couldn't get to a phone

  Hit over the head with a frozen turkey that fell out of a zeppelin and doesn't remember who he is

  Buried alive in the family mausoleum and is still attempting to dig his way out

  If he liked you, there are no great reasons why he would not have called within a couple days, max.

  Does a text message count?

  Great question, you words up there. What about text messaging—that slickest, quickest of communications methods that says, “Geez, I'd like to email, but I don't want to go all formal-assed up in here. Pff! Chillax, your majesty.” Does, for example, “c u soon,” really convey a commitment to further dating? On its own? I'd say that's generally a big “no.” I just don't think it's enough of a clue to go by. We need more here. And there isn't much less than a text.

  A phone call, an email—these potentially involve punctuation, sentences, actual thoughts that require a brain; plus they take more than six seconds. (You there, stop laughing! I said “potentially,” didn't I?)

  I do have this nagging voice in my mind saying, “Hey, Grandpa! Maybe it's a generational thing, Mr. Walked-Uphill-Both-Ways-in-the-Snow.”*

  And who knows, maybe that's a fair point. Maybe for some folks, this counts as truly meaningful communication.

  But here's what I wonder. Does a text message really show us enough to help us answer the second Big Question? Remember, what we're looking for here is effort on his part to get himself some more time with you. More non-sex time, I'm saying. I'm not saying that we absolutely need a vowel or two to answer that question, but it wouldn't hurt.

  Hey, I know that texting can be a fun and immediate way to flirt or to let someone know you're thinking of them when you don't have time for more than that. I don't think texting is a bad sign, certainly. But on its own, it's just not enough of a good sign. And I'm not trying to tell you that a guy who texts after a date won't put in more effort later. But if texting is all he does, well, he could hardly put in less effort than that, could he?

  At best, I'd call texting a “placeholder” while you're waiting for a real clue (i.e., a call, an email, a parchment carried by Pony Express, etc.)

  “GREAT DATE BUT NO CALL,” OR MMM…NOT

  SO MUCH

  This is a very common Google search that brings women to manslations.com: What happens when it goes fantastically well…but then he doesn't call?

  Now, I know this never happened to you, of course. Just like I most certainly never told a woman I'd call and then didn't. This sort of thing just never happens to good people, right? Ahem. But let's say it happened to your “friend.” What do we make of this?

  Okay, so we've got the classic male mixed signal, right? You went out; you had a great time; and then… nothing.

  Now, if we apply the Golden Rule (if there's a conflict between what he says and does, ignore says), then we can just drop the “I'll give you a call,” right? We only need to look at the behavior. What are we left with?

  He went out with you.

  He didn't call.

  Seems like kind of a no-brainer when you boil it down to that, doesn't it? But in the interest of thoroughness, let's apply the Two Big Questions as well.

  Might he think that this behavior (not calling you) will get him laid? Can't see how. Even the dumbest guy has to know that you aren't going to have sex with him if you aren't nearby. And ruling out telepathy (and let's go ahead and do that), the only way to get you nearby is to contact you. So the answer to this one is NO.

  Might he think that this behavior will maximize his time with you? That's a big NO on that one as well.

  So, from this situation, we know that he didn't have a great date and doesn't want to date you. No need for any other explanation. This is what we in the manslations business call an “open-and-shut case.”

  But then why, by Zeus's mighty thunderbolt, would he tell me he'd call?

  Men have told you they were going to call to avoid telling you that they were not going to call, which would have been awkward. We don't like being the bad guy and would prefer not telling you we don't like you to your face. Or
any other part of you.

  It's all about reputation, in a way. If a woman tells a man, “Look, it's not going to happen, so don't call me, okay, chief?” it's not really even considered rude. It's almost expected. If, however, a man says, “Look, I'm not going to call you, okay?” he's a big jerk.

  If a guy likes you, what possible reason could there be for him not to call? If he had so much fun with you, why would he deprive himself of even more fun?

  More good news: You don't even WANT that guy to call you. If he isn't dying to call you, he's not the right guy. The right guy will always be very excited to call you. And soon.